My mind a raging battlefield

There are times when I wish my mind would stop working…stop questioning…stop arguing…but that’s not possible, is it??

The past few days I’ve been realizing how time does heal wounds, and that time changes a lot of things… I guess I needed to put myself through the test… Almost 4 years ago I wrote a poem for a guy whose ring I kept…a poem that haunted me for the next few years. I’m going to read it again, and try to find out the emotions that comes out…

I know being dependant on someone isn’t healthy,
a I’m not saying that I rely myself on you…

     It’s true that I need you,
     but not as my source of being,
     nor as my source of strength,
     since human is what we are…

What I need is a platform to stand,
a shelter where I can rest to find back strength….
And that I’ve found in you –
you’ve given me that, and much much more…

     you’ve given me warmth that embraces me thoughout my day,
     you’ve given me light that helps me see the beauty in many,

     you’ve given me hope that helps me carry on,
     you’ve given me joy that brightens up any day,

In you I’ve found peace that calms my raging storms,
I’ve found rainbows that richly colors my sky,
I’ve found a melody that plays the loveliest symphony in my soul,
I’ve found faith to believe in myself and to believe in me and you,

     but more over, in you I’ve found
     an overflowing love that sets me free
     to be more than I thought I could ever be,
     to give out more than I thought I could ever give…

Mirrored in your eyes
I can see a reflection of the beautiful person
you’ve helped created in me,

     but mirrored through your soul
     I can see a reflection of the one
     whose steps you keep on trying to follow,
     making you more gorgeous than anyone I’ve ever known…

Think of whatever beautiful,
think of whatever good,
think of whatever peaceful,
think of whatever lovely,
think of whatever true,
and I’d find my mind going back to you…
I pray that I’ll need you all my life…

     betrothed in faith,

OK…at least I’m not broken anymore…but I’m still scared… I trully hope that this would be one prayer that God in all His wisdom was kind enough not to grant…

I don’t miss the person, I know he lives in a different time and place, beyond any reach…but I what I do long for is the feeling… I know my heart has learnt to sing again now…I just need to adjust the tune, since it’s singing a different symphony… Longing for an old symphony wouldn’t do it good… Like I said, he never was my source of being nor strength…I can only pray that He who is will teach my heart to sing a melody just as beautiful as before, although in a different tune…

Time isn’t the only thing that heal wounds…love also does… Love makes sure that the scar it leaves isn’t ugly, but remains as a little reminder. And I have been blessed with so much love than I ever thought I deserved…so much love that I cant be jaded… My loving Father has given me not what I wanted, but what I needed…


~ by Anita Fei on March 18, 2005.

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